Relaxation
by FrostFromFire
Summary: Oneshot. Crackfic. When Sora, Riku, and Kairi are stressed out about fighting Heartless and Nobodies, Leon, Yuffie, and Aerith introduce them to a certain substance to help them relax. WARNING: Drug use.


Author's Note: Okay, so I've had about… zero inspiration to write anything for the past week (though I_ am _several pages into the next chapter of the Hybrid War - it _is _coming). I was struck with a… erm… weird idea, to say the least. What if our heroes decided to relieve the stress of their labors with a… less conventional method than is usually used fanfics such as this, perhaps with the help of their dear friend Mary Jane? (Not to be mistaken with Mary Sue, who will _not _be making an appearance.) Really though, this is all in good fun. I realize that the characters in Kingdom Hearts do **not **smoke up.

Anyway, this is post KHII, probably a couple years after KHII… I'm thinking Sora and Kairi are around eighteen, Riku's about nineteen, something like that.

In case you haven't noticed, this is a TOTAL **crackfic** and should not, under any circumstances, be taken seriously.

WARNINGS: This is M for drug use (soft drugs, but drugs nonetheless). And just because the author has written this doesn't necessarily mean that she supports the recreational use of cannabis. Quite honestly, I'm not sure what possessed me to write this…

Just please remember that **this is a joke**, and probably the most ridiculous thing I've ever written.

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Kingdom Hearts. Oh, and "The Joker" isn't mine either. That would be Steve Miller Band. I also do not claim to own That '70's Show (and if you get _that _reference… you rock).

So, without any further ado, I give you:

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --

**Relaxation**

Sora put his head in his hands, his fingers clenching his hair as he shook in anger. "I can't believe Xehanort got away again!" he yelled angrily, staring down at the ground. He paced back and forth through the kitchen of Merlin's house, his nerves refusing to settle. He looked at Riku, who held a somber expression but controlled his emotions better than Sora. Kairi simply sat on the couch, shaking her head back and forth slowly.

"This is just… too much," her voice held a tone of devastation.

Sora flopped down on the couch next to her, Riku taking the empty cushion to his left. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "I seriously need to detox."

"Are you guys sure about that?" asked Leon, appearing from the other room.

Sora groaned. "I can't take much more of this."

Leon smiled mischievously, walking over to the tall vase that stood on the couch's end table. Sora raised a skeptical eyebrow as he watched him pull out a small bag and stuff it in his pocket. He grabbed a wooden chair from the kitchen and joined the three, the odd smirk still lighting his face.

"I could introduce you to our friend Mary Jane," he suggested. "_She'll _get your mind off things, help you relax…"

Kairi looked dumbfounded, her jaw dropping. "Leon, you sound like you're… like you're soliciting a prostitute or something!"

He laughed lightly. "No, no… Nothing like that. This is _slightly _more legal."

Sora was utterly confused. Since when did Leon laugh like he had not a single worry on his brow? When did the conversation ever turn to something that wasn't dealing with Xehanort, Heartless, or Nobodies?

A gasp came from the other room, a disgruntled look shadowing Yuffie's face as she marched over to Leon, putting her hands on her hips as she glared into his eyes. "Leon, how _dare _you introduce them to Mary Jane without me!"

"Huh?" asked Sora, thoroughly confused. Whoever, or whatever, this Mary Jane was, she must have been important.

Leon rolled his eyes. "Then join us, Yuffie."

She took a seat on the floor next to Leon, resting her arms on the coffee table as Leon pulled the small baggy from his pocket. "Sora, Riku, Kairi: meet Mary Jane."

A dawning comprehension fell upon Sora the ideas came together in his head. _Oh. THAT Mary Jane._

Kairi ogled the small bag, her eyes piercing into three green buds. "Leon," she said, aghast. "Is that… Marijuana?"

Riku simply laughed. "I should've known," he said, shaking his head.

Leon laughed under his breath, taking a pack of rolling papers and a lighter from his pocket. Sora gulped. Was Leon asking them to smoke with him? He watched in awe as Leon broke part of one of the buds apart, placing it on the thin paper lengthwise. He rolled it up, licking the paper to seal the joint.

"This, my friends, is how we relax, how we deal with the bullshit of everyday life," Leon said, examining his handiwork as he held it up for everyone to see. "Is anyone interested?"

Unsure of his answer, Sora gulped, looking to Riku. He shrugged his shoulders slightly at Sora as though urging him to make the decision. He bit his lip, thinking on the situation. This was a _drug_. Once he tried it, there was no going back. He could end up on the streets, alone and penniless, because of an unbreakable addiction.

"I'll give it a try," he said quickly.

"I'll explain a few things so you don't look like a complete ass then," Leon said, his voice suddenly serious. The man placed the joint between his index finger and thumb, placing it to his lips. He flicked on the lighter and lit the joint, breathing in as it caught. Sora watched in awe and fear as he held his breath for several moments before exhaling a thick smoke. He handed it to Yuffie, who repeated the process.

"Lesson one," began Leon. "When you take a hit, hold in the smoke or you won't feel its… full effects."

"You're up, Sora!" Yuffie said cheerfully, passing the joint off to him.

It fumbled in his fingers as he held it in their manner. He looked at the slowly burning cylinder, breathing shallowly as he placed it to his lips.

"Sora, are you serious?" asked a stricken Kairi. "You could… you could…"

Leon sniggered. "She's right, Sora. No one's ever died from pot… but you could be the first."

He was tempted to both laugh at Leon's joke and assure Kairi that he was making the right decision, but his mind drifted back to Xehanort, back to how much trouble the man had caused him and his friends. He looked at the joint confidently, putting his lips against it and breathing in the heavy smoke. He mimicked holding his breath as Leon and Yuffie had. He relaxed. This wasn't so bad, not too-

The smoke streamed out of his mouth as he went into a coughing fit, passing the joint off to Riku as he hacked in his hands. God, his lungs were on fire, his throat was closing up… He really _was _going to die. He would go down in history not as a great Keyblade master who had saved the worlds on more than one occasion… No, he was the stupid boy who would become the first person to die of marijuana poisoning.

He hadn't noticed Yuffie get up, but she now stood in front of him, handing him a glass of water. "Here you go; the first time's always the roughest," she smiled. Sora gratefully took the cup from her and placed it to his lips, letting the cool water soothe his aching throat.

"Well, after Sora's reaction…" Riku looked skeptically at the joint.

Sora put up a hand in protest. "Really, Riku; it's not that bad. I mean, at first it burns your throat, but afterward… Trust me, just try it."

Riku frowned, but placed the joint to his lips nonetheless. Sora smiled inwardly at his victory. At least he wasn't the only one trying it for the first time. He watched as Riku drew the smoke into his lungs, holding it there and passing it back to Yuffie. He let out the breath after a couple seconds, not keeping the smoke as long as Sora had. He coughed heavily, but not to Sora's extent.

Yuffie held out the now significantly smaller joint for Kairi, but the girl pushed it away with a dismissive hand. "Drugs are bad," she said sternly, her voice unwavering. Yuffie shrugged, taking another drag before handing it off to Leon. He took a couple puffs before passing the remaining nub to Sora, who took another hit before giving Riku the last of it.

"Who's up for another round?" asked Leon as he rolled another joint.

"Sure, why not?" agreed Sora. He wasn't feeling the effects of the first joint, so why not try it again?

Kairi crossed her arms tightly over her stomach, rolling her eyes and scoffing indignantly.

"Kairi, it's not that bad," Riku explained as Leon lit the next joint, relaxing as he inhaled and handed it to Yuffie.

"But… but what about that commercial?" Kairi asked. "The one where the girl has an egg… and… and she says it's your brain… and she puts it in a frying pan and says it's your brain on drugs? Or what about the one where the kid burns his TV on a grill? Or… or that old movie where the people jump out windows when they're high?"

Yuffie smile wryly. "Propaganda, Kairi, good old propaganda. I mean really, do you think we're stupid?"

She shuffled uncomfortably. "No, of course not."

"So… why would we encourage you to do something stupid?"

She held the joint between two fingers, taking a second hit before offering it to Kairi. It lingered between the two of them for several seconds as Kairi contemplated her options. With a slow, shaking hand she took the offer, bringing the joint to her lips and breathing in slowly. Sora's jaw dropped. He could see himself and Riku trying it, but Kairi? That seemed almost… wrong. She held in the smoke for a moment before exhaling, a thin layer of smoke mixing with the air. She coughed abruptly, putting a hand to her chest. Sora offered her his water, and she accepted it, taking a few gulps as she passed the joint to him. He inhaled the now familiar aroma, filling his lungs again with the strange smoke. It was less uncomfortable this time, but he still managed a few coughs before passing it to Riku, who accepted it eagerly. He sighed in relaxation, letting the smoke escape through his nose.

Sora laughed. "You look like a dragon!"

"That was the idea," smiled Riku, moving to hand it back to Yuffie.

She pushed it away. "Nah, you guys seem to be enjoying it. Go ahead and finish that one off."

Riku shrugged and handed it to Kairi, who looked slightly less uncomfortable with smoking now that she had tried it. Still slightly disjointed, she took another puff and handed it back to Sora.

"Ouch!" he yelped, burning his fingers on the stub. He inhaled nonetheless before giving the remainder to Riku. He leaned back on the sofa, propping his feet up on the coffee table. He sighed deeply, the lingering taste of weed on his pallet. He closed his eyes and relaxed. He felt as though he were floating, just floating ever so slightly above the couch. His limbs felt light, almost nonexistent, as though they were simply paths of energy running down his body.

"How are you guys feeling?" asked Leon, his voice hazy and distant.

"Pretty damn good," Riku answered, his voice low.

Sora opened his eyes slightly and looked at his friends. Riku sat next to him, leaning forward with his head perched on his hands. Kairi was curled up on the opposite side, her eyes distant as she stared at a colorful cup on the table.

"Sora, Kairi?" asked Yuffie.

"It's… really weird," even his tongue felt light as he spoke. "It's like… being on clouds or something. Man, like… like soaring away from everything, like when I open my eyes the world's twenty percent more colorful or something."

"Kairi, what about you?" Riku leaned over to meet the girl's eyes.

She took a moment to respond. "Huh? What was the question?"

Sora looked at her blankly. "I… I don't remember."

Leon and Yuffie looked at each other, snickering. He thought he heard the word 'rookie' seep from their conversation, but the fleeting thought left his mind seconds later.

"We asked how you were feeling," Leon answered.

"Oh," said Kairi distantly. "Spacey-ish, kinda. I feel really hazy, but in a good way. And relaxed, like I can relax for the first time in eons."

Sora panicked as the latch on the door clicked open. He turned around quickly as Riku droned lazily: "Oh shit, the cops…"

Sora caught Kairi's eye as Aerith walked into the house. He started laughing uncontrollably at Riku's ridiculous proposition.

"Riku…" said Sora between guffaws. "This is Radiant Garden. We _are _the police!"

"Oh yeah…" he chuckled.

"Hi everyone," Aerith greeted them. "What's so… _oh_." she said in comprehension as Leon lit a third joint.

"Care to join us?" asked Yuffie.

Aerith shrugged. "Eh, why not? I was planning on playing guitar anyway." She took the joint from Leon's hand, taking two deep puffs before walking to her room to retrieve her guitar. She took a seat on the floor, acoustic instrument in hand. "What're you guys in the mood to hear?"

Leon shrugged. "Something… appropriate."

"Hmm… Aerith formed a chord with her left hand, strumming with her right as she struck up a familiar tune. "C'mon, somebody take it from the top!"

"Some people call me the space cowboy," sang Yuffie, her voice slightly off tune as she swayed back and forth.

"Yeah… Some call me the gangster of love," Leon laughed darkly.

"Some people call me Maurice," Kairi giggled as she belted out the verse. "'Cause I speak of the competence of love."

Aerith laughed. "That's _pompitence!"_

"What the hell is pompitence?"

"I don't know!"

"People talk about me, baby," Sora sang, his voice distant. "Say I'm doing you wrong, doing you wrong."

"But don't you worry baby, don't worry," Riku chanted. "Cause I'm right here, right here, right here, right here at home."

"Cause I'm a picker," Aerith played.

"I'm a grinner," Yuffie bounced.

"I'm a lover," Leon sang.

"And I'm a sinner," Kairi tapped her foot.

"I play my music in the sun," Sora bobbed his head.

"I'm a joker," Riku swayed.

"I'm a smoker," Aerith hummed.

"I'm a midnight toker," Yuffie laughed the line as Leon blew smoke across her face.

"I get my lovin' on the run," Kairi giggled as she finished the round.

Sora leaned his head back again and listened as Aerith sang the rest of the song. He stared at the ceiling, not focusing on anything in particular. He simply focused on the moment, listening to the sound of Aerith's guitar, her soft alto harmonizing with the simple melody. All of his worries, defeating a seemingly omnipotent Xehanort, stopping the worlds from slipping into the dark realm, keeping his friends from succumbing to the allure of the Darkness… it all seemed to seep away, if only for a few hours. For this moment, his head on Riku's shoulder, his legs resting over Kairi, he could relax. He could let the worries of the world leave his tired mind, if only for one night, if only for one fleetingly perfect moment. For the first time in months, he felt relaxed. He felt… _good._

In the back of his mind he heard the door open once more.

"Hey, Cloud," Yuffie's distant voice greeted the incomer.

"Are you guys smoking again?" he asked. "Fucking potheads."

* * *

Well, that's that. Weird, eh?


End file.
